I’ve just read the latest climate horoscope at the Hannoversche Allgemeine Zeitung website, which delivers them almost daily.
The latest one comes from the fortune tellers and scryers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, led by psychic Paul O’Gorman, now available at the PNAS here.
The latest horoscope foretells that (later) in the 21st century, summers will be stickier and grittier, and winters will be stormier – this according to visions and images delivered by crystal balls and gazings into MIT scrying pools.
Apparently MIT diviners made contact with the spirits of 1981 to 2000, so writes the HAZ, and felt the unsettling vibes of mystic energy of atmospheres past, and the energy intensity of past climatological storms. MIT’s assortment of sophisticated scrying instruments, made of silicone and crystal, all delivered similar predictions for the 21st century – forebodings all confirmed by their climate tarot punch cards.
The bad vibrations and ill spirits foretell one thing only: doom!
The 21st century
The northern hemispheric middle latitudes will be haunted by severe meteorological storms between the autumn and spring equinoxes, becoming especially intense before and after the winter solstices.
For periods surrounding the summer solstices, crushing doldrums will beset northern middle latitude regions. Stagnate atmospheres will cause pollutants, and the evil spirits they harbor, to accumulate in ever higher concentrations above cities, bringing misery to non-believers.
Be forewarned! The degree of misery about to haunt the middle latitudes in the end will depend on the amount of ice surrounding the magnetic North Pole at the fall equinoxes.
The southern hemisphere will be visited by other misfortune, so say the MIT instruments of clairvoyance, and the diviners who gaze into them. There, ruthless storms will occur year-round, from solstice to solstice, from equinox to equinox.
Careful though, as other celestial alignments may impact the fortune tellers’ predictions. These predictions may change as they depend on what parts of the atmosphere are heavily impacted. If the earthly layer of the atmosphere energizes, then other currents and eddies come into play.
In the northern hemisphere, however, the heavenly layers of the atmosphere shall warm, and this will act to calm the air mass energy.
Come back tomorrow for more predictions!
For personal mystic climate fortune-telling and face-palm reading, make an appointment with Paul O’Gorman: email@example.com.
UPDATE: I’ve just received a photo of just one of MIT’s highly confidential fortune telling instruments, with one of the teams of divine scryers who gaze at it:
14 responses to “Today’s Climate Horoscope – By Paul O’Gorman and MIT”
Great article. The deadpan mystic delivery is great!
I’m really getting tired of all the doom saying. Do these people not simply stick their heads out of the window and actually observe every once in a while. Do they not simply look at what is happening with the world now?
Why should they? They are the best paid fortune tellers ever. They have the best clients -the federal and state governments.
I guess what really frustrates me is the press. They’re like a parrot or a broken record that won’t go forward to the next track. It amazes me that a “bubble-headed bleached blonde” (to quote the song) will stand out in a foot of snow and quote the party line about how global warming is going to make all the snow go away and kill the arctic ice, polar bears, etc., ad nauseum. Or get worse. It just depends on the day, I guess.
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Climate Skeptics launch campaign to overturn green targets
Daniel Greenberg meets climate
Why EROEI is not important
The new scare: BIO DIVERSITY The new big lie
(World Bank takes immediate advantage)
Global extinction….. in times new species are discovered every day.
Thanks for the laughs.
I’m a regular reader of this site, but never commented before today. My thought: I’m pretty sure the subjects of this lampoon would be quite agitated, were they to see this column. (“Curses!” they would say, “Foiled again!”
And that, our climate mentor, P. Gosselin, makes it even funnier.
And all of this doom is of course caused by Mankind’s evil defilement of Mother Gaia with Carbon. sarc off/
Whether intended or not by the originators of the urban myth of AGW, it is a cult-like pseudo religion and your allusion to mystical mumbo-jumbo is more apt than one might think. It’s not just funny, but accurate as well.
When you hear the word “Biodiversity”, reach for your Browning
I will give you 5 gloom and doom messages for $100 American Dollars.
Want a receipt?