German Environmentalists: To Protect Climate “Shift Barbecue Times From Evening To Early Morning”!

Trees don’t absorb CO2 late evenings and at night, so it makes climate sense to move your barbecue from the evening to the morning, radical German environmentalists suggest.

Also don’t use charcoal or real meat! And check your lighter fluid to be sure it’s not wrecking out atmosphere.

The wrong way to barbecue, German environmentalists say. Image: Barbeque block party Kansas City. CC BY-SA 3.0, Source: Wikipedia.

Today’s article may have useful tips for readers who feel compelled to worry about everything. For the rest of us, it’ll be entertaining. So grab yourself a bag of popcorn as we take a short trip through the wacky world of radical environmentalists.

Today’s topic comes from Germany’s chapter of Friends of the Earth, BUND Hamburg: how to barbecue in a more environmentally friendly way.

Use the proper charcoal

First the BUND Hamburg advises that if you insist on using charcoal, use only the stuff from European hardwood forests – not from tropical forests – and make damn sure it’s FSC certified.

And if burning what used to be living trees is not an acceptable option, then the BUND Hamburg suggests using “olive stone briquettes, which are made from the waste product of the olive oil production process. “No tree has to be used for this type of charcoal.”

The BUND Hamburg also suggests using grapevines, or barbecue charcoal made of bamboo or coconut shells – ” currently available mainly in organic markets.”

Don’t ignite with cancer-causing lighter fluid

When it comes to lighting up the grill, the BUND warns: “Under no circumstances should the grill be ignited with chemical ignition aids, paper or pine cones, as this releases carcinogenic substances.” Instead you need to to use “pressed wood with oil or wax, brushwood or wood shavings”.

Never grill real meat, instead grill eggplants!

Now that the grill has been lit and is hot enough for cooking, the BUND writes that under no circumstance shall you throw real meat on it. It doesn’t matter if this is what grilling is all about! The BUND recommends vegan and vegetarian foods during barbecues. Example meat substitutes the BUND recommends are: “peppers filled with mozzarella, grilled and pickled eggplants or mushrooms with herb butter” are enough.

Avoiding meat and sausage “protects the environment and climate”. Every single kilogram of beef “requires 15,000 litres of water and emits almost 30 kilograms of carbon dioxide,” says the BUND. “In addition, farm animals are usually kept in huge stables under conditions that are not appropriate for their species.”

“Piles of rubbish”

Another reason barbecues are bad thing is because they create “large piles of rubbish”. But, if you cannot the resist the temptation of having a summertime barbecue, then please at least have the courtesy of using “reusable barbecue utensils instead of plastic dishes and disposable barbecues,” the BUND Hamburg says. Also avoid the use of aluminum!

Barbecuing in the evening is bad for the climate!

Another tip is provided by career environmental whiner Georg Etschelt, who cites tips from a Hamburg newspaper:

Perhaps in order to alleviate the summer barbecue problem a little, the main barbecue times could be shifted by decree from the evening – when most people are at home and do not want to be disturbed – to the early morning.”

“This would also make sense from a climate policy point of view. ‘Trees absorb CO2 during the day, so hobby cooks should only use the barbecue during the day,’ was recently reported in the Hamburger Abendblatt newspaper on a course titled ‘Green barbecue.'”

“‘In the dark, the trees emit CO2, which is why they cannot absorb the gases from the barbecue.'”

12 responses to “German Environmentalists: To Protect Climate “Shift Barbecue Times From Evening To Early Morning”!”

  1. John F. Hultquist

    In addition, farm animals are usually kept in huge stables under conditions

    Maybe so in their stomping grounds, but here are 2 photos that show scenes familiar to me.

    Photo from California: Sheep

    Photo from Vermont: Cattle

    Actually, I live in the left coast State of Washington. I could take a similar cattle grazing photo just 2 minutes from home. Sheep a few miles farther. The number of small goat herds has been increasing in recent years. Milk cows often are provided shade and food because they are necessarily concentrated, unlike the sheep and cattle.

  2. MrGrimNasty

    BBQs, ‘instant’ BBQs, garden fire pits, and char grill restaurants, are the spawn of Satan and should be banned. Why in an age when it is accepted that garden bonfires are totally antisocial, is it acceptable to pollute the air far worse with burning accelerant, charcoal and fat?

    Air quality in London parks of a holiday is worse than the most polluted London roadside because of idiots and their instant BBQ craze. Char grill restaurants are associated with plumes of persistent pollution in towns (actually noticeable and choking unlike traffic pollution).

    This ridiculous fashionable trend ruins air quality and makes it impossible to open your windows or enjoy your garden on the hottest most oppressive days of the year. It destroys relations between neighbours. You can’t even go to the beach or the countryside without being poisoned by the disgusting fumes. And they are responsible for numerous forest/wild fires – in the UK they have been behind all the worst fires this year.

    And you only have to look at the colorectal cancer rates to see an obvious link to populations with high BBQ use – burnt food/meat is a carcinogen, never mind the accelerant.

    BBQs (and the sourcing of the charcoal) are actually serious environmental and health problems, so some of their reasoning might be wacky, but they have hit a legitimate target this time.

    1. John F. Hultquist

      All the fresh clean air explains why early humans lived to the ripe old age of 35, but now this spawn of Satan keeps us going to nearly 80.

    2. tom0mason

      The only ‘spawn of Satan’ I know dislike barbecues.
      Maybe it remind them too much of home.

      I will be having barbecue at any and ever opportunity I can, and if any ‘spawn of Satan’ party poopers turn-up while I’m cooking, then they better know how to juggle hot coals. I’ll barbecue lamb and/or pork chops, sausages, beef steak, and maybe a squirrel or two. Vegetarians and vegan are not invited as they are usually dullards who spoil the atmosphere with their inane whining.

      Freedom to cook using barbecue methods should be a protected skill, as it is an historic skill going back to the very start of human existence.

  3. Petit_Barde

    Hilarious !

    Is the BUND Hamburg serious or a sort or eco Babylon bee ?

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  10. Yonason

    Yes, lets do BBQ in the AM, when people are rushing to get their kids ready for school, and get themselves to work. Sure, BBQ in the AM, which takes a long time to cook and is often consumed with beer, is just the dietary change we need to make our lives less complicated.

    Tells you a lot about the author’s connection to reality.

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